Michael Bay diarrhea
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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