My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
