All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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