my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
