i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
