i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize