In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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