I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
