Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
