i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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