she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
