OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
