Your dad touched me again.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
