well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
