just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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