I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
