I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize