have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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