So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
