I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
