They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
