do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
