using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
