remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Do you have feelings for this penis?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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