Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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