this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
