My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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