i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize