dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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