he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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