So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
