I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
