I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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