I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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