you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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