just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
