I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
