haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
