Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
