please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
