So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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