sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
