I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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