I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
