Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It's Friday. Sex?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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