my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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