rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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