I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Found your dick twin last night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
