So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
