vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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