So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When are your genitals available?
my liver is dry heaving
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
