i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
