he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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