Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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