Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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