I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
