96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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