HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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