if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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