i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
