Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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