Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize