i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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