One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize