I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
