fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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