There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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