she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All the doctor said was why
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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