Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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